Impatience and Employment

At work, how often do you find yourself thinking: “I’m not paid enough for this”? Ironically, in my experience, it’s not actually about the money. I’ve been thinking this a lot lately, and realized that the sneaky envy isn’t tied to financial need, but internal dissatisfaction. Nevertheless, how often do you hear about someone else’s fabulous wealth and resent their blessed life? That’s the rut I’ve been stuck in this winter.

Humor me. What would you do with more money? I surprised myself when the first thing I thought of was a housekeeper. WTF Rachel, your house is literally 500 sq. feet. It takes 90 minutes to clean. Still, it’s messy almost all the time. In my defense, we lack storage space and can’t renovate because we’re renters. And there’s no dishwasher. Ok, so I don’t need 100k a year, I need organization. One of the reasons I love living small is because it is so economical. It’s also environmentally friendly, and that is worth a lot. I’ve never minded line-dried clothes, and no AC in the summer is manageable with a fan by the bed. I’m excited to move into a house of our own (still small, under 1000 sq. ft.), and convinced that convenient storage and an attractive living space will assuage some of the current discomforts. Aspirations like these surely aren’t going to break the bank.

Ok then, so what else makes money so attractive? I’m not into fast cars; my current ride is a well-maintained hand-me-down from grandma. In fact, I would love to zip around on a small moped that gets 60+ miles to the gallon, and not even own a car at all… but that’s just not safe or practical in Denver. It would be in a smaller town though, and $$$ would facilitate the move…

Except that we’ve already made a down payment on a tiny little place in a smaller town, and it even has a dishwasher! So that’s not the thing. What is the thing? The thing is, I feel small and crunched, like an itty-bitty cog in a mammoth machine. I want to take a never-ending vacation, steeped indefinitely in the hot tub at a lux hotel, not so much because I love staying in hotels (I do), but because I want to avoid my current place of work. Money won’t fix that, because it isn’t things that I want. I want to move! I want to keep trying other jobs, to find someplace that occupies my heart as well as my mind. I want to be less anonymous and expendable, and to be able to look around and see older colleagues that aren’t drowning in their own bitterness and dissatisfaction.

Do I sound bitter and dissatisfied? Whelp, at least I’m not old. Gotta change things up while there’s still time! 7 months to go, and I cannot wait! Too bad no amount of money will make the time go faster…


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